Lifening

 

I borrowed that word, obviously, from Snow Patrol’s song of the same title.

I just think it’s fitting to use the band’s own word to describe how I felt listening to their songs last night, at their concert. And no, this is not an attempt to review their performance or their music. Nor is it a fan account of how amazing the concert was and what a genius of a musician I think Gary Lightbody and the rest of his band are.

They were amazing, in every sense of the word. No doubt about that.

But I’m writing this for something else. For my heart.

I just want to capture those two hours when I let someone else sing the songs  in my heart while I sat (stood, more like) back, overwhelmed with all the emotions surging right through me that very moment, as each song flowed rhythmically out of Gary’s throat, I was having hallucinations of him mouthing those words in front of me.

I was going bonkers, I knew it, like I usually do whenever I get lost to music that speaks to my soul.

I couldn’t even bring myself to sing-along when they sang my favorite song. I just listened to it, my heart leaping out of my throat, my mind wandering to wherever he was.

And it made me sad to realize that he would never know that somebody else’s songs and lyrics remind me of him, each time. I would never have the courage to tell him that.

And yes, maybe this feeling is fleeting… maybe tomorrow, I will meet someone else and he will incite this same madness, maybe more (or worse), from me than he could ever have… maybe this is just a passing fancy, just an over-extended crush or infatuation, staying longer than necessary… maybe he’s feeling this same insanity for someone else right now… maybe, maybe, maybe…

But last night (and the hundreds of ordinary nights that passed), the songs were all about him… the rhythm, the music, the rhyme, the magic, the sadness, the madness… it was all him.

And here I am, still trying to make sense out of it…still trying to purge myself of him…

“Waking up in your arms
A place to call my own

This is all I ever wanted from life…”

~Snow Patrol, “Lifening”